The hard work after an affair starts with the revelation. Once both the partners know of the infidelity and the decision is made to stay married, then it's time to dive into the recovery process. In my prior experiences helping partners survive an affair, I've been taught there's about no boundaries to the desire to work to salvage the marriage. My job is to help couples divide the work and work smarter.
The partner who had the affair must work on humility. Sometimes I call this staying "low." Humility means there's never any push back when the deceived partner makes a request, never revising when replying to a direct request for information, and never any exhibiting hostility when responding to the betrayed partner's hostility.
Humbleness can be extremely difficult for the partner who had the affair for a few reasons. Most importantly, she most likely has frustrations she never dealt with that let her justify or minimize her affair. She may feel that she isn't allowed to exhibit her unmet needs during the restoration process and therefore the process of "stuffing" the emotion may begin all over again, leading to bitterness and possibly acting out.
The partner who was betrayed has very well the hardest task of all in therapy. He must choose to forgive after infidelity has taken place. If recovering couples decide they do not need treatment, forgiveness may never be addressed or it could be ignored in favor of punishment. In treatment, the therapist helps the betrayed spouse release the anger, which leaves room for forgiving if he decides. The consultant also helps the betrayed partner understand that forgiveness is not for the partner who had the affair; it is for him and his well-being.
Working hard during affair recovery isn't enough. Both of the partners must divide the work and focus their energy on working smart. The result will be happier individuals and a marriage on its way to recovery.
The partner who had the affair must work on humility. Sometimes I call this staying "low." Humility means there's never any push back when the deceived partner makes a request, never revising when replying to a direct request for information, and never any exhibiting hostility when responding to the betrayed partner's hostility.
Humbleness can be extremely difficult for the partner who had the affair for a few reasons. Most importantly, she most likely has frustrations she never dealt with that let her justify or minimize her affair. She may feel that she isn't allowed to exhibit her unmet needs during the restoration process and therefore the process of "stuffing" the emotion may begin all over again, leading to bitterness and possibly acting out.
The partner who was betrayed has very well the hardest task of all in therapy. He must choose to forgive after infidelity has taken place. If recovering couples decide they do not need treatment, forgiveness may never be addressed or it could be ignored in favor of punishment. In treatment, the therapist helps the betrayed spouse release the anger, which leaves room for forgiving if he decides. The consultant also helps the betrayed partner understand that forgiveness is not for the partner who had the affair; it is for him and his well-being.
Working hard during affair recovery isn't enough. Both of the partners must divide the work and focus their energy on working smart. The result will be happier individuals and a marriage on its way to recovery.
About the Author:
Doctor. Kate Walker is a licensed professional counselor in the Woodlands, Texas. Her article outlining the work during affair recovery ensures that life after infidelity can ensue.
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